just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
