Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
