You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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