First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
