She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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