drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
