Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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