No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
