Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
