I accidentally had phone sex last night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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