In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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