Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
