im drinking this country out of the recession.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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