I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
