My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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