Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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