it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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