you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
