Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My hand turned me down
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
