sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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