I wish I could punch you in the face.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
