im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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