I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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