My friends, they love my intelligence
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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