I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
