no you cant smoke seaweed
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
