We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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