i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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