so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
