I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
