epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
