Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
