Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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