its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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