Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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