just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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