dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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