I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
