I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
