I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
