you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
