I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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