You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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