I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
