So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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