FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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