The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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