he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
