My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize