..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize