If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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