Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
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