Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
