Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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