I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
