i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
