there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
