all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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