i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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