so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
