He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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