Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
