What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When are your genitals available?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
