He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
