If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
